Sunday, April 22, 2007


What's the deal? Comic book come to life story of how 300 Spartans held off a huge Persian army (purportedly led by man/god Xerxes) via a series of sweet special effects and blood splatters. Love story sort of mixed in—for both country and wife (with a dab of father-son love too). But action, mostly action. The good kind.
Who's in it? No one, as far as I can tell. Maybe some of the LOTR secondary or tertiary characters, but no one you'll recognize right away, especially since everyone is jacked up so much.
Why now? I wanted to see this when it first came out on IMAX but I just couldn't make it. Plus that's like 15-20 bucks. I ended up seeing it for a cool $5 with Kerosotes' Five Buck Club, which lets you see movies that have been out for two weeks for five bucks. Sweet, huh?
Is it just a dumb action movie? Well, no. It's filled with action, it has a compelling lead actor, and some history thrown in to boot (which is mangled, from what I've been told). It's kind of like Gladiator light (lacks that emotional punch to the gut of that movie) in comic-book form, which turns out to be incredibly compelling in its own way (think Sin City here).
So the action scenes are really sweet? Yes. It's all computer generated, mind you, but those splatter effects become second nature right away, and when the bad guy's leg gets lobbed off you will grab your date's thigh (or the armrest) and kind of clench, going "Ooooh!"
What was the Spartan's preferred attack move? Ahh, the spear lunge, grasshopper. Sound boring. Maybe. But these guys do the best with what they've got, turning the spear lunge into an art, a tradition, and a pretty good kill move.
Did any of this really happen? I'm not sure. I may or may not research this. But I do remember a little bit from my classical rhetoric classes and the Spartans marching, building a wall, and fighting off invaders in boats—it kind of rings a bell. That 300 men held off so many doesn't, but who cares. You'll be too busy trying to find evidence that all this was done with blue screens—ALL OF IT. The two (or more) heads lobbed off are especially good.
The only thing that made the gore and couple of sex scenes seem awkward: That a couple behind us brought along their six-year-old daughter with them. Every time blood splattered she went "Oooooh!" just like the rest of us and then her dad would chatter something in here ear . What it was I can't imagine, "It's OK baby, that's not really a wall of dead bodies nailed to a tree. Blue screens honey, blue screens."
Why Xerxes was clearly not a god: He was a Transsexual, listen to his voice and look at how tall he is.
Why Xerxes was clearly a god: He got a bunch of naked chicks to get all freaky with the disgusting Quasimodo character.
What to tell your gf to get her to come see it: Six packs. Every Spartan between the ages of 15 and 50 was apparently hitting the gym twice a day. These dudes are JACKED up and don't wear any shirts, only the "Spartan red" capes. Which is weird because all the Spartan old men are short and look to be in pretty shitty shape, which you don't have to tell your gf, obviously.
What to tell your bf to get him to come see it: Sweet action scenes, sweet battles, good enemies, and a little sex thrown in there too. If your guy is into it, you may want to mention the forced-sex scene (hey, you never know, different strokes).
One more thing: Two, actually. This is basically Gladiator mixed with Braveheart on steroids without the star power. The other is about the oracle. There's a scene where she's in a trance and she was clearly shot underwater to give that strange effect you see in shampoo commercials. But she's sped up and slowed down to the point that it kind of puts you in a trance. Just FYI is all.
Bonus: As we walked out of the theater, I looked back to watch the parents who had brought their little girl to this violent, R-rated movie, and the girl was just sitting there like "WTF?" and the two parents (who were around 35 or 40) were making out. WTF?


Anonymous Tollo said...

I remember going to see "Kill Bill" and seeing a couple with a toddler in the theater with us. Man, people are morons.

1:04 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home